the real deal

I'm feeling a little ambivalent about this particular blog...

On my Dutch blog i just ramble on about things that keep me occupied, which is mainly a mixture between all things spirirtual and what i learn about psychology and Buddhism, and whatever cultural thing has taken possession of me... A very mixed bag, then...

And i can't appear to recreate that here...
Not very sure why - i love writing in english, so i should be able to express my ideas and feelings just as freely as i do in dutch...
But it's not happening, and that makes me feel strange...
So i've decided to spend at least one day a week doing what i do on my dutch blog, and waffle...

So be warned...

Today is that day, and here goes:A few days ago i felt like i've touched the very core of my being...
My real inner self, the Me that i always knew was there somewhere, but was burried under 42 years of conditioning, crap i've learnt to use to 'survive'. Not live, but survive.
Because that's what i've felt i've been doing for most of my life - survive.
Like most people do, and we've all convinced ourselves that that is fine...

"There's nothing wrong with survivng, it keeps us comfortable, and safe and really, compared to the surviving we've had to do in much harsher and less civilised times, this is peanuts... At least we get to watch telly now..."

But to me, the surviving i felt i had to do was making me act like a trained dog, like a pre-set thing that does what it's told to do, and my real feelings, drives and passions weren't allowed out, petrified as i was for being ostracised out of the comfort zone i was trained to expect when i did my little tricks the right way... Only, i felt numb, like i wasn't really there... The Real Dan was hidden under a blanket, hidden away somewhere... Like the first Mrs. Rochester... And i've been feeling fed up with that for a very long time... Only: i just couldn't find my way into that Real Dan. It felt that the door was bolted, the big, heavy castle-style door...

And thanks to a lot of different factors {people i've talked to, books i've read, little glimpses into the strange place that was my inner self} i've been able to travel down there, all the way into my inner core... And what i saw was beautiful....

It was so light and airy, so peaceful, so happy... It was good, i was loved, i was love...
This was what love felt like...
All it took was not a truckload of magic mushrooms, or a pot of pills, but a quiet meditation with no other help than a deep trust that it would be okay - it couldn't be any worse that it had been... I asked whatever guide was out there to take me to the place that was my biggest block, the strongest pull to the place of fear, and slowly i went there...
And one by one i forgave everybody that ever hurt me, deliberately or by accident. And one by one the light came back in, and i felt i finally had possession of Me.

So there...
that's my english blog rebooted...


just to stop this going far too earnest: the man that's inspired me for so long: